Man Seeking Woman by John Visclosky

Man seeking woman, thirty or younger. Must be attractive, funny, and smart. Independence and ambition are desirable.

Must be witty and clever, but not in a way that’s overt or pushy. Must convey a high level of intelligence without constantly speaking up or drawing attention to yourself. Knowing about historical trends in global lending markets is all well and good, but actually talking about that kind of stuff makes you look like a show off.

Must be well read, but not to the point where I’m made to feel dumb. There is nothing sexier than a woman who has never heard of an author I love. Someone cool and safely edgy, like Chuck Palahniuk or Charles Bukowski. This allows me to introduce you to their work, which is great, because I love it when I can feel like I’m teaching you.

Must come well credentialed, with good degrees from prestigious schools. Degrees with weighty-sounding names are preferred. This will signal to the rest of the world that I am not intimidated by strong women, that I, in fact, love strong women. Graduate degrees are a plus, as long as they are no more impressive than mine.

Must have a promising career and a good job while still making me feel like I’m your first and only priority. Must care deeply about your profession and desire to do well at it without working too many late nights. Women who focus too much on their careers don’t make for good nurturers.

Must be silly and funny, but not in a way that is crass or off-putting. Should laugh more or less constantly and always appear to be in good spirits, even on days when you are stressed about work or just feeling a little gloomy. If you are in a bad mood, try not to talk about it too much. Women who are always complaining just sound self-involved and crazy.

Should not make jokes about farts or pooping because it’s weird to be reminded that women actually do those things. If you absolutely have to poop, wait until I leave the apartment and make sure the bathroom doesn’t smell bad afterward. I don’t care how you do it. Just lay down some bleach or something to cover up the smell.

Must recognize that comics and videogames are an important but underappreciated form of art and that there is real value in them.

Must like actual art—sci-fi, indie bands, movies directed by Quentin Tarantino. These are the things that really matter. Should not like anything that is expressly geared toward women, anything with an overtly feminine message, or anything with the word “vagina” in the title, or that speaks, at length, about how hard it is to have one.

Must enjoy sex. A healthy libido is definitely required. Should be open to experimentation, by which I mean anal and texting me naked pictures of yourself. Must want to fuck all the time without enjoying sex too much. Girls who enjoy sex too much have probably had a lot of partners, which makes them sluts. Must be great at fucking without having slept with too many guys.

Should like the sex to be hot, but only within certain bounds. It’s hard to think of someone as the mother of your future children when you know that she likes to be tied up, or needs to have filthy things whispered to her before she can come.

Must come loudly and often. Should be able to come vaginally without me having to go down on you too often. It’s a whole situation down there and it’s best to just avoid it whenever possible.

Must not flip out whenever I tell you to “calm down.” I know it makes you feel belittled, like I don’t think you’re justified in feeling the way that you do, but women who flip out about that shit are psychotic, plain and simple.

Must stand up for yourself without actually getting sad or angry. When women yell, their voices tend to sound kind of shrill. It’s just very off-putting.

Must be willing to call me on my bullshit without ever pointing out when I’m wrong. Pointing out when I’ve done something wrong makes me feel like you always have to be right.

In terms of physical appearance, must be athletic, i.e., slim with a flat stomach, small thighs, and big tits, with the promise that you won’t ever get too big, even if we have kids. This isn’t because I’m shallow. I just like women who look healthy.

Must play into racial and cultural stereotypes while also managing to transcend them.

If black or Latina, must be educated and articulate. Must also have a voracious sexual appetite and be down to do anything in bed.

If Asian, must be outgoing and uninhibited. Should, however, be docile and submissive when it comes to romantic and sexual relationships.

If Middle Eastern, must be strong and independent, not too beholden to the influence of your family. Must also be deferential to the wishes of your romantic partner. I’m looking for someone who feels exotic. Not really sure what that means, but try your best to embody it. Maybe wear extra eye shadow or henna or something?

If white, must be easygoing and approachable. Think “girl next door.” Must also have some kind of edge, maybe some sliver of non-white ancestry. I don’t just want to be with some milquetoast white girl.

And remember, don’t try too hard! Just be yourself. That’s always the most attractive quality in a woman—authenticity.

John Visclosky is a writer and aspiring ex-lawyer living in Washington, D.C. His greatest accomplishment continues to be convincing his wife to marry him. He can be found on Twitter here or here.

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